Tirades of Truth

I think I landed myself another long-term contract and design opportunity without even meaning to.

I need to make business cards and just give them to people. That’s always sexy.

I am quite sad that Saturday marks the end. It’s not just the end of a college era for me; it’s also the end of my childhood completely, the end of friendships, the end of contracts, the end of my relationship with my residents and cohorts. With everything I’ve done this year, I feel so unfulfilled so much of the time that I put so much on my plate to try to push that out of my mind. Seldom were these satisfying to me, and I guess that’s my problem.

I loathe that the dynamic is changing, yet again. I don’t mind that the residents are moving out, even with this tedious process. It’s just that I finally find a circle that I am compatible with on so many levels (especially with Allison and Matt), and I know that despite best efforts to stay in contact, they’ll eventually fade. Maybe I’m just being a pessimist about all of this. What I’ll miss the most is that hearing matt’s laugh makes me want to laugh, too, even if it’s at nothing or something awkward. Allison’s smile and twinkle just makes my heart melt on the days when I want my heart to be the coldest. Don’t get me wrong; I’ll miss Emma too, but I guess I have that prospect of working with her again next year, directly, so I don’t have to mentally prepare myself to sever that tie yet. Dare I mention Heather? She won’t go away even if I beat her with a telephone pole.

Even when I lay in bed last night, I questioned and tried to count the times I felt as though I was straining things with everyone and how I really never felt as though I fit completely. I guess I had that expectation coming in, but I didn’t think I’d feel as though I annoyed Mallison (swish) more often than not. It’s mostly in my head, but it’s kept me from really pushing through my walls (and theirs). Sometimes, I found myself trying to compensate what I lost when I cut Jeff and Jess away. Limbs don’t grow back, Ben. It’s gone; let it go already…

I look back on the five of us and outings and efforts, and in my mind, we are our own Breakfast Club (although, I guess it would be more Diner’s Club). We have our inside jokes, our own language, stories, escapades, triumphs, trials. We’ve spilled blood together (and vomit), and I’m sure someone’s cried in here, too. I know I’ll look back, with fondness and nostalgia. I don’t want to be remembered as just a reference point or a body of knowledge; I’m not Wikipedia. I don’t want to be remembered as a pseudo-RC; I want to be remembered as a friend and a confidant. I don’t want to be a misbegotten father figure-type person.
Maybe I ask too much…I guess I have to get used to this feeling, especially with my responsibilities for next year. I can’t wait for all of the empty connections. Numb myself now. It’s how you’ve always worked, Ben. No sense in changing that. I don’t want to be fuzzy; I don’t want to just…fade away.

Once I start, I cannot stop myself.

First post. Finally. It’s only been how long that I have had this installed? Months? Days? YEARS?!?!

No, it hasn’t been years, considering I’ve only had a registered VPN for a few months. Since January. Whatever.

Just needed to make a mark here real quick. Toodles for now.